beXnlog

A Food History

1) [circa 4] Using an old skool metal soda bottle cap, i'd cut circles out of Kraft singles and stack them up. Eventually, i ate the orange disks; they got floppier as time passed. My goal was to cut a circle out of the single with the wrapper still on, but that didn't happen.

2) [circa 4] I'd mix peanut butter with chocolate frosting and mash it into the said bottle cap, creating a "Barbie cake." It was always frustrating at this point since i intended to flip the cap upsidedown and lift it off the "cake," but that never happened. I usually then ate the peanut butter/chocolate frosting by digging it out.

3) [circa 5] I invented a great game where i'd put a green pea into one of my nostrils, and while holding the other closed, blow the pea out onto the table. My brother was amused by this game too, and we had fun blowing peas all over. My sister, who was probably 2 at the time, tried to play along but the pea ended up getting stuck in her nose. Of course, my mom was furious.

4) [circa 5] My brother, for some reason, unscrewed the cap to a French's mustard bottle, which was placed on the living room carpet. We spent a few minutes running around the room, making sure to jump over the bottle like a mini-hurdle. As my mom was about to use the yard stick on us, i accidentally stepped right on the bottle, squirting bright yellow mustard all over the new blue carpet. But she got me back in the end - using my Toys R Us watercolors, she covered up the yellow stain with an entire chunk of blue paint.

4) [circa 7] My brother and i decided to be mad scientists one afternoon. In a plastic Tupperware cup, we mixed an odd assortment of ingredients, some of which i recall were: heavy cream, sugar, orange juice and soy sauce. We tried to make my sister drink some - but it wasn't bad at all! I remember it surprisingly tasted like grape popsicles.

5) [circa 9] In order to punish our annoying neighbor, it was my brilliant idea to eat all the Nerds but save the box, filling it with gravel and gluing it shut. We put the fake Nerds into his mailbox, hoping he'd eat some, but his mean uncle threw it away first.

6) [circa 9] Because my mom hid the Halloween loot, my brother and i spent long afternoons combing over the house. We eventually found the pillowcase of joy, hidden under rags in an old metal garbage can in the garage. That was one of the best days ever. A few years later i netted a full 9 LBS of CANDY by ringing doorbells way after 9pm. That was awesome, too.

7) [circa 10] Another story about our annoying neighbor entailed "brownies" that were all over the back porch since "the oven wasn't hot enough to bake them." (I made up that rational explanation.) When our neighbor finally picked up a "brownie," my sister almost vomited while we all screamed that it was in fact, dog poop.

(In addition to playing with food, i loved to eat spoonfuls of things: mayonnaise, brown sugar, tartar sauce, peanut butter, frosting and honey.)

posted by beXn @ 2:01 AM